You know that one friend who doesn’t drink but still insists on going to the bar? And they’re really patronizing whenever you say anything because even if you aren’t drunk, and you’re just a little buzzed, they still treat you like you’re a sloppy mess? And then when you do get drunk and want to sing or smoke a cigarette inside a McDonald’s or something and they have to stop you, they act like they’re not annoyed, but you can tell by their face that they clearly are and they don’t even eat McDonald’s and they’ll probably go email their friend from back home in Minnesota about it in the morning? And they leave early and you sort of feel guilty for a few minutes when you think about them going home alone while everyone else is taking shots of Patron, but then you realize, wait a minute, if they’re the only one not doing it, then they’re the one with the problem and then you say something out loud like “you know what, fuck them” and then you continue the cycle of feeling guilty and then feeling aggressively not guilty, and it’s all because your friend feels superior and they have annoying, cutesy hobbies like crocheting mittens and doing crossword puzzles and their apartment is never a mess and they get up early on Sundays? And they’re never late for anything and they hate it when you are and they do all sorts of earnest things like mail you Christmas cards handmade by a colony of blind women in Guatemala and when you tell them about your job, they smile and act interested but really you know that they don’t take anything you do seriously? And also they fucking love tea, never coffee, and they listen to Belle and Sebastian and they wear statement glasses and want to talk about how they actually feel bad for people on reality shows? And they yell at you if you make fun of fat people? And they own slipper socks?

That’s how I imagine Taylor Swift is in real life.